Welcome to the group

[ppfuf]

Can you describe for me what makes you feel welcome in a new group? (SCA, school, work, girl scouts, church, AA, any group you had to walk into when you didn't know many people there is fine.)

I was wondering about this, because it's come up in a couple of conversations recently. I've been trying to remember why I felt welcomed and comfortable in some groups but not in others. I know there are lines between "off-putting", "welcoming" and "swarmed by mad-eye'd cultists", so I'd like to take a stab at defining them.

Comments

[hrj.livejournal.com]

For me, it's mostly a matter of having my existence acknowledged. Do any of the "regulars" notice that I'm there and they haven't met me before? Or do they behave as if I'm invisible? Do they speak to me or at least respond in an encouraging way when I speak to them? Or are they brusque or dismissive? If I wander up to someone or a group of people I don't know, do they make eye contact with me and shift their body language to "include" me in the interactional vectors? Or do they close ranks and force me to remain "outside the circle"? If I join in a discussion do people listen to what I say and respond? Or do they interrupt me as if I hadn't spoken? If I meet the same people on a second occasion, is there any recognition? (Not that I"m all that good at recognizing people I've met only once, mind you.)

More advanced versions of feeling welcomed include things like: if a shift to another location or activity is indicated (e.g., post-event dining or going off shopping on merchants row or similar things) do the people I'm interacting with at the time explicitly invite me to join in (or tactfully indicate that I'm not but for neutral reasons) or do they force me to guess? When I'm interacting with someone (who knows I'm new) and someone else they know wanders by, do they perform introductions?

[ppfuf.livejournal.com]

Good ideas, all of these. I'll have to remember to say out loud that everyone's welcome to go to dinner after dance practice.
I've been trying to remember to use people's names, I'm not sure if it makes people more or less comfortable.
I'm not sure how handle hearing people speak in the chaos of dance practice.

[kareina.livejournal.com]

The times I've felt most welcome was when there was a group activity going on, and when I walked up they smiled and indicated that I should join them. Dancing and "bardics" are the two examples that really come to mind here--if I wander up to a strange camp fire at night and people are chatting they may or may not acknowledge me, but if they are singing, they nearly always smile and gesture to a seat and encourage participation. Likewise dancers tend to encourage people to join them, sometimes in the middle of a dance if it is one that lends itself well to that (like a farendol). This is true not only at SCA events but also at Contra Dances and folk federation dances. Anywhere that there is an activity which is enhanced by more participants I've always been made to feel welcomed and encouraged to join in. (to some extent a kitchen at an event can be like that too, if you happen to wander up just as they need someone to chop carrots or something--but that is more hit or miss, because once they've reached capacity on the number of willing hands they've room for they switch to actively discouraging new people.)

[ppfuf.livejournal.com]

I'm a lot more comfortable asking people into a shared activity than trying for a conversation. But I do see your point about kitchens, I find feast cooking very stressful, so asking people into the kitchen is fraught with peril.

[joycebre.livejournal.com]

ooh, a subject that's been frustrating me to no end. I think one of the things that makes me feel most welcomed is when someone takes the time during dinner seating to make sure I'm either sitting next to them or someone I might have something in common with.
and everything hrj says too.
But it must vary for everyone. because I swear some people don't feel welcome no matter what you do. I'm not a cultist (despite Munchkin Cthulu) and it would make me uncomfortable, but their mileage apparently varies from mine.

[ppfuf.livejournal.com]

It was your comment in the other thread that made me start thinking about this again.
Dinner companion seating is a good one. I'll try to start paying more attention to that.

[joycebre.livejournal.com]

ah. I was thinking of copying this over to my journal in case we have different people friended. I really think it's individual, though. I wonder how stupid it would sound to ask someone 'how can I make you feel welcome?'

'how can I make you feel welcome?'

[ppfuf.livejournal.com]

My deep-seated fear is that I'll say this to a crazy person, G-d only knows when I might be able to get away. I think a lot of women get out of the habit of being friendly, because we've been followed about by young men who took "Hey, how've you been?" as "I'd like to date you, and am considering becoming your devoted love slave".
Maybe now that I've got some answers on the what makes you feel welcome question, I might ask the inverse, what actions have made you feel un-welcome?

[misagillian.livejournal.com]

I'm often most comfortable when being given a job. I went to a family reunion of Leohtulf's, and though they didn't know me at all, I got to be their auction recorder (they raise money for their annual event by auctioning stuff off.) This has been true when I've gone to a new church (started working in the nursery the day I arrived at my current church until I got comfortable, and now I do music there), within the SCA (got on Court the first major event I went to), and most other environments.

[ppfuf.livejournal.com]

Ooo! Me too! I was thinking back to my first experiences at church (I was about 14, I think) and when I first felt welcomed by the adults was when I was working in the kitchen.

[xrian.livejournal.com]

Important for me, especially over the long term, is that people treat me as if I'm normal. I worked for 15 years in a place where I was the weird one, and I am discovering just how damaging that was now that I'm out of it.

[ppfuf.livejournal.com]

I have a hard time thinking of you as the odd one, but knowing how some workplaces can be I understand. Even at my office, people rarely talk about anything more personal than last night's television or their children's classes.

[despair-bear.livejournal.com]

In my experience, treating some one new to the "group" as an equal will go a long way. As others have said, invite them in and along as if they have been at your side for years and one day you will turn around and they will have been.

[ppfuf.livejournal.com]

Hmm, treating new comers as equals is probably easier at a baronial business meeting than dance practice. At dance, it's pretty obvious who's been dancing for a while and who's new even when we're doing a dance that's new to everyone. Although people who are "fluent" in another dance form can fool me sometimes. :)

[despair-bear.livejournal.com]

Of course there are some limitations, particularly when skills are involved. I would not turn a green recruit loose in my shop with out guidance (lest they loose a limb or burn my house down), but I would give them the same opportunity and level of excitement on my part as I would with any member of my house. 1st day or 30th year they will get the same level of respect and attention from me.

[hunrvogt.livejournal.com]

Inclusion in invitations is a good one. I'm also a sucker for the old sales stand-by of learn and use my name.

Most of us suck at remembering names and recognizing faces. When someone takes the time to learn my name it indicates interest in me.

[ppfuf.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty good with names at dance practice, as long as people come back next week. It's the people who come once a month or less that I have trouble with. It helps that there's rarely more than 2-3 new people at any practice.
Do you ever feel like people are using your name too often? I know sometimes that can feel a little forced, like when the bank teller is obeying some management directive to use your name at the end of every sentence.

[hunrvogt.livejournal.com]

They name thing can obsolutely be over done. That difference between the car salesman that's know me for 15 minutes using my name in every sentance and my favorite poultry salesman answer the phone with my name when I call and saying goodbye to me by name.

[scotica.livejournal.com]

I'm lousy at recognizing faces out of context, and with putting names and faces together. (Yea, yea, I'm an onomastician. Ironic, isn't it?**) But I do try to make an effort, and tell people I meet that I'm lousy at it and they should just remind me I know them. Often there is some bonding conversation over the problem (which many share), and sometimes that even helps me to actually remember if I see them again (at least in the same context).

I would like to think that this serves the same function (described by hunrvogt) as actually remembering someone's name... does it?

**No, really, I am bad at this. In 5th grade I had a friend who lived up the street and with whom I played regularly. Every time before I rang her doorbell I would pause to make sure I got her name right (and it wasn't an unusual name at all)!

[hunrvogt.livejournal.com]

When I recognize the person, but can't recall the name, I tend to do the same thing. I re-introduce myself. Describe the context in which I remember meeting them and apologize for not being able to remember their name. I try not to have to go through that routine twice as I do think someone actually remembering my name is more of an indicator of "belonging" than remembering me by meeting me. I am not always successful in actually rememberring the name on the third meeting. Sometimes I suck!

[callistotoni.livejournal.com]

Agreeing with what others have said. Being invited to join in conversations and activities, even being asked directly "What do you think?" does a long way towards making people feel included.

Of course, if someone is on the crazytown express it's another story...
;-)

[ppfuf.livejournal.com]

Hahaha. I'm only interested in the opinions of non-crazy people. If I wanted to know how crazy people felt, I'd post this query on some other message board.

[aastg.livejournal.com]

I gave this question a lot of thought, and I think that I felt the most welcome when I showed up and people acted as if I'd been there for years already. I wonder, now, if that was because we were all on the same social/cultural wavelength already. I felt that way when I started, and again when I reactivated after a five-year absence.

[dame-cordelia.livejournal.com]

Involving newbies in what I am doing and inviting them join the conversation are the best welcome I can think of. Making sure they know how to find the SCA is crucial. I usually give my phone number out so they don't think this is a one-time thing.